When Medical PTSD Stops Me From Seeking Treatment

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I have lived with plain old PTSD for more than 12 years. I know about the fits of anxiety, the separation and the evasion. I have come to terms with it generally – I realize that the separation, anyway unfeasible, is there to secure me when things get excessively overpowering, and generally I am presently responsible for my triggers. Obviously I would preferably not have it by any means, yet contrasted with a couple of years prior, the consequences for my everyday life are negligible. I notice this since it's from direct experience that I can say those equivalent emotions and responses are currently connected with another trigger for me. That trigger is medication. 
Something as little as heading off to the GP currently sends me into overdrive. I am dreadful that I will get the responses that are so basic for patients with EDS — the uncertainty, being seen like it's everything "in your mind" and being talked over by a specialist who won't tune in. When I go to the specialist, I realize it is a million times almost certain I will be informed that none of my conditions exist, or they are excessively uncommon for somebody like me to have, than for a specialist to really acknowledge that I am sick. They will sit and talk over my head to the individual with me rather then look and examine things with the 30-year-elderly person before them. I am made to feel sub-human. I am made to feel "inept," consideration chasing and little. More terrible still, I am presently so debilitated that I went through over a year sitting with new and exacerbating side effects without looking for further assistance. 
This foundational disregard can cut profound into the psyche of somebody with an uncommon or interminable sickness. It appears to be incredible to put down a patient to the degree that they never again have a sense of security looking for therapeutic consideration, yet it seems, by all accounts, to be a typical event. I know such a significant number of other people who presently dodge therapeutic intercession totally. We just don't have the vitality to continue battling any longer. 
As  late I needed to change GP medical procedure. It took four years of disregarded referrals and squandered arrangements to push me to a point where I had no way out. The explanation behind my hesitance to change was straightforward: there was no certification another specialist would be any better, and I couldn't confront experiencing everything once more, getting my expectations up and after that being shot down afresh. The more this occurs, the more awful it feels. I may have been solid quite a long time ago, yet nowadays I have no vitality left to withstand another surge. 
I've had different referral demands either can't or the specialists said they'd make the referral yet never did. One was for bosom screening that ought to have been made a half year before my 30th birthday celebration, in light of the fact that both my folks have had malignant growth and I convey the BRCA2 quality transformation, which puts me at a 85 percent shot of getting bosom disease. Another was for an output of my spine after one leg went totally numb for a half year for no evident reason, and I had a few events of transient deadness/loss of motion of the two legs. I presently have constrained inclination in one leg and it is feeble contrasted with my other leg. 
Another referral was to the network emotional well-being group after my downturn got unmanageable over the late spring – the GP straightforwardly conceded I had terrified her with how low I got this time around. Despite the fact that she over and over disclosed to me this referral was in the pipeline, again it was never made. At long last, she revealed to me she would not treat my serious vertigo except if I was under the consideration of a nervous system specialist. She proposed a referral to nervous system science, yet again it never happened. These referrals were recommended by the GP. I didn't push for them; I didn't request them. So for what reason didn't these specialists isn't that right? 
Every single time issues like these occur, somewhat more of my purpose bites the dust. It is practically difficult to continue pushing when each arrangement is, best case scenario an exercise in futility, and best case scenario an individual assault. 
I am extremely tired from battling, demonstrating, and experiencing honestly upsetting medicinal tests just for the outcomes to be rejected. I am burnt out on attempting to battle for the consideration individuals with increasingly regular conditions frequently get naturally. I am simply so worn out. 
It genuinely amazes me exactly what number of PTSD side effects are presently springing up at whatever point I have to reach a specialist. My first meeting with the new GP felt awful. I had been separating throughout the day, and the closer it got to my arrangement time, the more I began to freeze. My heart was hustling, my breathing shallowed, I was physically obviously shaking, and when I needed to go I was scared. "Consider the possibility that nobody trusts me. Imagine a scenario in which he makes me feel like I'm consideration chasing. Consider the possibility that, imagine a scenario where, consider the possibility that." I discovered it incredibly difficult to converse with him, and in spite of the fact that I carried a heap of medical clinic letters with me (as confirmation I wasn't causing things to up), I thought that it was extremely hard to tell what to state. Despite the fact that he was shockingly decent about things, I was still left shaking at home for two hours after that arrangement. 
Up until now, he hasn't been as awful as my last GP, however I've lost so much trust that I am as yet discovering it incredibly hard to develop enough vitality/mental fortitude to make further arrangements. So much has been ignored in the past that I feel scared that proceeded with arrangements will just make him think I am causing the entire thing to up. I am living with various side effects left unmanaged, uncontrolled agony and weariness more terrible than it's at any point been. I have continuous issues with melancholy, however I have abstained from looking for medicinal consideration because of the diligent false thought that physical side effects are brought about by psychological instability. As a general rule, I get discouraged in light of the fact that my physical side effects have disassembled my life one capacity at any given moment. 
Obviously I'm discouraged when my body is so unusual. In only five years I have gone from having the option to move for 16 hours every week close by a full time degree to scarcely overseeing two hours sitting up before I am totally worn out. I am unbalanced, I am in torment, I can't oversee essential self consideration without help. Who wouldn't be discouraged? However I can't talk about this with restorative experts for dread they will consequently then discount every single other manifestation as psychosomatic. 
It shouldn't be this way. We shouldn't be alarmed of making a medical checkup or heading off to the emergency clinic for treatment. We shouldn't be frightened of speaking the truth about how low we feel genuinely because of our physical wellbeing troubles. None of this ought to happen any of us. EDS is certainly not a dysfunctional behavior, yet dealing with the disregard we face frequently causes despondency, uneasiness and PTSD. 
For those outwardly looking in, it tends to be a disappointing circumstance to watch. I couldn't disclose to individuals why I couldn't change specialists or why I was disregarding indications. In the event that you are a companion or adored one of another Zebra, kindly comprehend this does not mean somebody wouldn't like to support themselves. Be there for them, converse with them and in particular tune in. Backing could have a significant effect in whether somebody feels sufficiently able to confront another fight – we can't generally do this by itself. 
In case you're experiencing a comparable involvement with your endless disease, you are not the only one. Dread is a frightful business, and I trust one day this circumstance changes. Meanwhile I will be proceeding with my push for assistance, and maybe one day, setting off to the GP will feel simply like it ought to for anybody.
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